WRITES:

Dear chris

i like to experiment in bed and now i have a chuffin marrow stuck up me jaxi!
whadayathink?
 
 
 

Chris

WRITES:

Well that's very silly isn't it!  Attend a birthing class, they will teach you the relevant breathing excercises and what have you you will need to help you squeeze out your load, this however may take a wee while. If your looking for a quicker alternative, take loads and loads of laxatives and wait for the pressure to build up behind the marrow, it won't be long before it's been jet propelled out of your a**e and into space! I strongly recomend you do this outside for obvious reasons!
I suppose you could always go to casualty if the above suggestions don't work but you'd look a right twat wouldn't you!!!
If you do insist on indulging in this rather bizarre past-time again please use plenty of vaseline to avoid such problems!!
 
 
 
 
 

V. DISTURBED
writes:

Dear Chris!

i am into leather and have fallen deeply in love with a 3 piece suite in my local shop!

Because i have little money i want to get starkers are run in the shop and jump on it.

what will i do?
 
 
 
 

CHRIS

writes:

Hmmmmmmm well that's a tricky one! Are you really in love with this suite or is it just pure lust?? If your positive it's the real thing I believe you have a few choices:
1) Earn the money to buy your one true love by becoming the sex toy of a rich old man/woman. If you can't find one you can try good old fashioned prostitution. If your too ugly/revolting/pathetic for this then:
2) Rub your whole body in baby oil or some other such lubricant,  cover your modesty in a long trenchcoat, run down to the shop, take off trenchcoat and fulfill your desires. This is best done at non-peak shopping times. With any luck the suite will become "soiled" with the baby oil and thus be classified as damaged goods to be thrown out or sold at a major discount price!!!
Of course you do run the risk of getting in serious trouble with the police however this is the price one must pay for true love!!!!
 
 
 

Itchy and Scratchy

writes:

DEAR CHRIS!

i have an embarrassing itch on my scrote.

its funny colours and i have taken to naming it

what do you think?
 
 
 

chris writes:

Your a dirty, diseased, twisted individual who should be locked up!! Unclean unclean!!!
 
 

Rob writes:

Dear Christine

My Friend (D/gunn) has a really big obsession with sex and i am unsure what to get him for his birthday!

what do you suggest?
 
 
 

chris writes:

Hmmmmmmm well how about a pair of Marigolds, a cabbage, a humerous birthday card and a bottle of fairy excel washng up liquid!! I'm sure somebody as perverted as the forementioned D/gunn will know exactly what to do with them!